


It Isn’t In My Past (It’s In My Every Day)

by IPutOnMyHeadphonesWalking



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholic Tony?, Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, I don’t regret this, If You Squint - Freeform, Not Natasha Friendly, Not team friendly, Oops, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Pepper and Tony are on a break now, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Trigger Warnings, also: Alcoholism?, angst angst baby, be warned, ooc natasha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2020-04-11 10:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IPutOnMyHeadphonesWalking/pseuds/IPutOnMyHeadphonesWalking
Summary: The team decides to do the Ice-bucket challenge.Bruce and Steve duck out for obvious reasons, but when Tony tries to leave for fear of the water triggering a flashback, he is shut down and forced to by oblivious team members.This one night of miscommunication spirals him down a series of events that end up in breakups and broken teams.





	1. Chapter 1

Tony Stark was a kind man. Though on the outside he may seem like an egotistical asshole, he had his moments where he did think about others. Like the time where he invited all of the Avengers into his home to stay, rent free. And when they did arrive, he made sure they had everything they could ask for (even though they didn’t), all stored away in to their rooms (Read: floors).

Bruce had been the first person he had started working on things for. When Bruce had first entered his floor, he had been surprised by the calmness of it all. The soft colors were very, soothing, Tony obviously had kept the Hulk in mind. There were no harsh fluorescent lights, which made the room feel cozy, especially since it wasn’t bare. There were little things scattered around that he had fleetingly mentioned in conversations to Tony, though he did not expect the man to remember. On top of one of the many tables he found some adult coloring books, chuckling as he picked up an Avengers one, obviously a gag. Still smiling as he set it down, he kept walking around the large floor, each step giving him more respect for the genius who obviously cared because, was that a yoga mat? 

Steve wouldn’t be ashamed to truthfully say that his jaw dropped when he walked onto his floor. He had been expecting something akin to the SHIELD rooms he had been used to, not...this. It was quite clear that the billionaire had not known how to decorate, so he fell back on what he knew about the Captain; The fact that he came from the 1940’s. There weren’t too many high tech gizmos that were littered through other parts of the house, and the ones that were there had typed up instructions on how to use them. There was also a StarkPhone left on one of the tables, with what seemed to be a novel worth of instructions, including a list of things he should _not_ look-up. And Steve did most certainly _not_ , almost cry when he saw the humongous room with bay windows, every corner filled with all the art supplies he could ever need. He did, however, smile lightly when he later went to take a shower and found that the hot and cold handles were labelled very clearly.

Natasha was proud of Stark when she saw her floor. She was expecting him to fill it to the brim with a whole bunch of girly shit like high-heels and dresses. Instead, she found stands for her many knives and a room filled with practicing dummies (much better than the SHIELD ones). There were some dresses and shoes however, but according to some sticky notes, the dresses were as close to bullet proof as he could get without making them uncomfortable, and the heels on the shoes snapped off and turned into knives with the click of a button. Natasha almost chuckled, it was exactly the kind of cheesy spy shit she should have expected from him, but she would never admit that she was very excited to try them on.

Clint didn’t have much in the room of his floor at first glance. It was quite bare, and it was  obvious that the owner of the tower had no idea what to put in it. Though, he was ecstatic to find that Stark had put a few game consoles in there with everything from Call of Duty to Mario Kart. He spent many hours switching between video games and the high tech archery range, which was so _freaking cool_ because it had holographic targets that simulated a real battle. He was also quite happy to find out that his vents were slightly bigger than all of the others in the tower.

But Tony hadn’t stopped there. He could give anyone material gifts, but he gave the team something that is very hard to get from him. His time. He allowed them to drag them from his lab every now and then (as much as they thought they were in control, if Tony didn’t want them in there, he could make sure they couldn’t get within 50 feet). He spent his precious time, that could be used doing much more productive things, with his team. They had team dinner once a week, they had movie marathons making sure to catch Steve up, they even had fucking game nights. And, maybe, Tony didn’t regret it. Because, however cheesy it may seem, it did make him smile.

So, in short, Tony gave a lot to his team, and was happy he did. But he knows one thing for certain. The one thing he does regret giving. 

He should have never given two spies and a super soldier access to the goddamn internet.

 

* * *

 

 

It was after one of their weekly dinners that the inevitable happened.

They were all lounging about on one of Tony’s large couches, all of them extremely full after eating their weight in Thai when they found out the hard way that Steve could not cook. Tony was feeling quite lethargic and truthfully, for once, quite content. He hadn’t even touched his StarkPad that he was planning to upgrade SHIELD’s security system with, because honestly, theirs was quite pathetic. The rest of the team were in similar states of gladness, all of them enjoying the moment of rest as they stared unseeingly at the TV where the news was talking about some international trade or something, some of them opting to gaze instead at their phones.

Their bliss was quickly interrupted by Clint starting violently, twisting himself on the couch to face the rest of the team. The team on the other hand, started very violently, all of them expecting an attack.

Natasha had begun to speak to snap at her friend when Clint interrupted her, “Sorry, geez guys, calm down. But look at this.”

He shoved his phone towards the rest of them. The screen showed a video of a person getting dumped with water playing on a loop. The caption dubbed the video ‘The Ice Bucket Challenge’.

Tony knew where this was going and didn’t like the end result, “Clint...”

Clint ignored him, continuing on like a little kid, “We should do it!” 

The team just stared at him for a moment before Natasha shrugged, “I don’t see why not, it may be fun.”

Clint eagerly jumped to his feet, moving happily to start filling the biggest bowl he could find with ice cubes.

Steve suddenly stood, looking very uncomfortable and a little queasy, “I-I think it’s best that I skip this one.”

Tony took this as an opening, “Yeah, let’s not bring back any memories. Why don’t we just not do this thing at all.”

Steve changed his face until it looked a bit more ‘leaderly’, “No, you guys still should do it. Don’t let me ruin the fun.” He gave an assuring smile before beginning to walk out, “I’m in the mood to sketch anyway.”

Bruce started to make his way out too, “This sounds fun and all, but I don’t think the Other Guy will like being splashed with cold water.”

And with that, there were three.

Clint just shrugged, while bringing over the bowl of water, “Guess it’s just us, then. Who’s first?”

Tony’s panic was slowly climbing, his heart beginning to beat erratically, “Actually guys, I think I’m going to skip out on this one, too. Don’t want to ruin my clothes.” He began to stand, but he stopped when he saw the sour face Natasha was making.

“Don’t be stupid Stark,” she started, her eyes narrowing skeptically, “Come here, you can go first.”

Tony took a step back and waved his hand flippantly, trying to hide how hard they were shaking, “I’ve got stuff to do. I’m a pretty busy man Nat. This tower doesn’t pay for itself.”

Natasha was standing now, “You’ve got plenty of money. You can spare some on drying your clothes.”

He began to turn around, panic almost seizing him, “I-”

Natasha was done with him, though, and rushed forward grabbing his arm. No matter how hard he pulled, she wouldn’t let go and began to pull him towards the middle of the room, “Stop being so damn dramatic. Your just sour that Steve and Bruce got all of the attention. Stop being a brat and have some fun.” She shoved him to the floor and made sure his shoulders were pressed against securely before motioning for Clint to bring the water. He looked unsure for a moment before receiving a hard stare from the other spy, making him move immediately.

Tony struggled harder, panic gripping him right around the heart.

“Stop moving!” Hissed Natasha, eyes flashing furiously, “Clint, pour it over.”

Clint moved forward reluctantly and looked apologetic before tipping the bowl of water over Tony’s head.

He was immediately thrown back to Afghanistan. He felt the rough hands pressing his shoulders down, and he heard the loud voices demanding things from him. He felt himself be pushed underwater, completely helpless to these people. He felt his lungs burn from lack of oxygen. _He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn-_

“Oh god.” He heard Natasha groan over his thoughts, “he really does have to make a scene out of everything.“

Tony cracked his eyes open to see Natasha scowling as she got off of him. 

He gasped and tried to push himself up, but was shaking too much to do so. Natasha’s face twisted into one of disgust. She turned to pull Clint from the room, “Come on, we’re not going to give him the attention he wants.”

She gracefully strode from the room, Clint in tow. As she reached the doorway, she hit the light switch, leaving Tony in the dark, only broken by his reactor and the TV.

Tony was in full panic mode now unable to distinguish whether he was in his tower, or the wet and dark cave. His breaths came in short pants and whimpered for he couldn’t shake the feeling of the hands in his shoulders.

He threw up in his attempts to rid his body of imaginary cave water, making his stomach groan in protest as all of the Thai he had eaten earlier was forcefully expelled from his body.

He curled in on himself away from the sick, for it made it smell even more like the cave. He spasmed as he felt phantom shocks from the car battery in his chest, the electricity feeling all too real.

Once he had stopped spasming and calmed down a little, he could once again hear, but regretted it immediately. The heavily accented voices from the News program filled his mind and twisted until he was once again hearing the harsh voices of the terrorists from the cave.

Tony quickly pushed himself to his knees, where he scrambled over to the TV and began pulling any plug he could get his hands on. Once the TV shut off, he slumped against the wall, relief flooding him. 

He doesn’t know how long he sat there in silence, just breathing in and out, too tired and shaky to do anything else. 

It could have been hours, but the water stuck to his skin soon evaporated, leaving him cold. Tony began to shiver. And he kept shivering. 

And soon, he was no longer in the cave, but instead thousands of miles away from it.

There was no longer a car battery in his chest, the arc reactor was back, except it was now powered off.

Tony felt tears spring to his eyes as he felt the cold of space press into him and the weight of the nuke in his hands.

Tears flowed down his cheek as he saw the call failed icon burning Pepper’s face into his mind. 

He sobbed as he felt the vacuum of space suck all of the air out of his lungs. 

He cracked as he looked into the infinite space filled with billions of stars, and felt so _helplessly_ small. So unimportant.

He broke into a million pieces as he passed out free-falling, expecting to never wake up again.

Tony Stark suffered in his living room, pressed up against the wall, when his mind was a thousand miles away.

 

* * *

 

Tony came to as he felt the light burn through his eyelids. He groaned as he acknowledged how tight his muscles were, how large of a headache he had, and how his empty stomach turned at the foul smell near him.

He was momentarily confused when he did not hear the Hulk’s roar, but instead a very worried, “Tony?”

He cracked his eyes open painfully, to be met with a sight that hurt worse than his body. In the doorway of the room stood a very confused Steve, his face twisted into one of worry and appall.

Tony definitely couldn’t deal with this as he felt white hot shame rise to his cheeks as his eyes focused on the puddle of sick not too far away from where he sat curled up.

“ _Fuck_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pleaaaase leave comments and kudos!!!! They make my day and spur me to keep writing. Just a few seconds! That’s all I’m asking.
> 
> My begging aside, I hoped you enjoyed this. I hope you have a nice day!
> 
> Also, should I continue this and wrap it up, or would it be better to leave this as a one shot?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here!! Finally!!!!

Tony Stark had done many things in his life to warrant shame.

He had thrown up at a formal event due to one too many drinks (that was, of course, in his younger years when he didn’t have as great of a hold on his alcohol. Nowadays, he was a force to be reckoned.)

He had also had pictures and tapes of him having some ‘quality time’ with women plastered over the internet for anyone to look at. The media had gone wild each time (Tony doesn’t know how they don’t get bored, he means, Someone opens their news app and sees Tony Stark Does It Again: Can We Trust Him?, every morning,)

Pepper, in the days of her just being an assistant, had once entered his workshop to find him in a compromising position. Hey, sometimes he wasn’t in the mood to go find a woman (or women, or a man for that matter, whatever works) to fill his needs. Pep, bless that women, had taken it in stride, telling him he better freshen up for the meeting he would be going to.

Pepper had also seen him at his worst. Coming back from the Battle of New York had left invisible scars, only seen by that woman and Rhodey. They both had caught him many times mid-panic and had helped him through it. 

But the thing is, Tony trusted Pepper and Rhodey. The same could not be said for Steve and the rest of the team. During battle, they worked together perfectly, a helpful machine. It was completely different off the field. Though they were all nearing ‘friend status’, every one of them butted heads during every interaction. 

Tony could deal being seen like this by Rhodey or Pepper, but he felt shame to a degree he had never felt before as he sat in front of Cap.

The concerned eyes bore into Tony’s, asking for an explanation. He wasn’t going to get it, not the truthful one. Tony couldn’t imagine the outcome if last night’s events came to light. (He could, actually, it involved a lot of yelling and severed ties.)

At Tony’s whispered curse, Steve moved forward, arms slightly raised as he tried to figure out how to help. The billionaire wouldn’t allow it, of course, so he stood shakily, gripping onto the wall to steady himself. 

Steve, the persistent bastard he was, didn’t stop however, and tried to wrap his arms around Tony’s upper body to help. 

He didn’t complete the action, though, as Tony weakly pushed his hands away, “I’m fine!”

Stev backed up, an indignant look of ‘I know best’ plastered on his face, “No, you’re not. What happened?”

Tony wanted more than anything to go hide in his workshop, to let his bots be his only company as he attempted to forget the happenings of the previous night, “Got drunk. Threw up. Passed out.” He turned, meeting the taller man’s eyes for the first time, “It’s nothing new, Cap.” 

Steve did not look appeased by this answer, but thankfully did not catch the lie, “Nothing new? I’ve seen you get drunk before Tony, but this kind of behavior is reckless. We need you to be constantly ready for whatever comes. What if there had been a call to Assemble last night? You can’t allow yourself to become a liability!”

The engineer sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The truth was, he actually hadn’t had a proper drink since one bad night after the battle in which he was a couple glasses away from getting admitted to a hospital. He had made a promise to Pepper the next morning that he try to be better. 

 He was always trying to be better. 

However, it was better that Steve believe that he was an alcoholic rather than a weird freak who can’t get even get his emotions under control enough to face a bucket of water. 

“I won’t! This was a one night thing, okay? I lost track of how much I was drinking and accidentally had too much. It wasn’t on purpose, and it won’t happen again.” He just wanted to wrap up this conversation and leave, but look on Steve’s face told him that if the captain got his way, they would be there for hours. 

“Tony how do we know this won’t happen again? You aren’t exactly the best at following plans.” He knew Steve was trying to reason with him (about a non-existent topic) but it just felt as though he was being attacked, and his mind was too fuzzy to handle that at the moment. 

“I think I’ll do just fine,” he tried not to snarl the words, but he’s not quite sure if he succeeded based off of the look on Steve’s face. He spun on his heel and walked towards the elevator, ignoring Steve’s protests and just focusing on getting away from the rancid smell of his sick. He’d have to get one of the minor bots to come clean it up. 

\---

Tony stood in his workshop, squinting at one of the many holographic schematics he had pulled up. His eyes weren’t quite working as well as they usually do because of the pounding headache, slowly hammering away at his skull. He had taken some painkillers for it, but the medication did nothing to ease the torturous pounding. His head felt something akin to how he usually feels during a hangover, but that was obviously ruled out. He knew it was most likely from the overload of emotions and panic he had felt during his ‘episode’ the night before.

 Huffing frustratedly, he swiped to another file, sighing when he was not able to comprehend that one either. He sat down into one of his many rolling chairs and sighed again as he rested his head into his hands. He cursed his mind for not letting him get anything done, for the aftermath of such a large panic attack left him reeling and lost in memories he would rather not venture into. 

“Incoming call from Pepper Potts.” 

Tony was momentarily surprised at the AI’s voice, for he had momentarily dissociated as he got lost in his mind. 

“Put her on one of the screens will you? Thanks Jar.”

He was glad that he could talk to Pepper. She was currently participating in some overseas meetings and events, and the genius was missing the human interaction from humans who actually didn’t hate him. 

He quickly rethank his gratitude when he was met with a face full of anger and heart-breaking disappointment. Pepper’s face was red and puffy, as though she had been crying, and her eyes. Oh, they shone with such sadness that it made Tony’s heart ache for the woman.

“Pepper, what happen-” 

“Don’t you dare.” Pepper cut him off with ferocity, her words thick with emotion. 

“Wha-?” Tony was confused at the hostility. Even in his most frustrating of moods, Pepper never got this angry. 

“Don’t you _dare_ pretend like you don’t know. Like you didn’t do it!” Tears were flowing down her face now, and Tony wondered what the hell he did, because things had _never_ escalated this quickly between the two before. 

“Pep, you’re going to have to tell me what’s wrong because I have _no_ ide-”

“So you’re still drunk then, huh? That’s why you can’t remember?” She scoffed, turning her head to the side as if she couldn’t bare to look at him. 

“Drunk? Who the he-” He had spread his hands flabbergasted at what she was proposing, before he two and two together, “Steve called you.”

“ _Yes,_ Tony, Steve called me. So there’s no point in trying to deny what happened! The poor guy was worried as fuck when he called me, trying to figure out what to do with you!”

“Do with me?!” He said, voice slightly raised. He was getting frustrated now, this was all a fucking misnderstanding and he didn’t even know how to set it straight.

“ _Yes!_ He didn’t know what do because he found you passed out in the fucking living room surrounded by throw up! If you had just gotten drunk, we could have worked it out, but this is _ridiculous!_ You haven’t passed out like that in two years, excluding the other night.” 

“Pepper! Listen to me, I didn-”

“Didn’t _what_ Tony?” She interrupted, fully yelling now, “Didn’t mean to? It was all an accident? Or what? You didn’t get drunk?”

“No, I didn’t get dru-” Tony started, trying to get the truth out, but was interrupted again. 

“ _Bullshit,_ Tony! I can see you right now. You’re fucking hungover!”

Tony opened his mouth to speak again, to set it all out there and just _tell her,_ but stopped when he saw the terrible heartbroken look she wore on her face. 

“Tony, stop. _Please._ I don’t want any more lies.”

“I’m not lyi-”

“I’m going to stay here a bit longer. There’s some events and meetings that were offered to me. I was going to pass them up and come back, but I’m going to take them.” She sighed before looking away again, “I think we need a break, Tony. I can’t handle all of this right now, and it’s obvious you can’t either. I’ll be back when I’m ready.”

The screen clicked off, the darkness it left seeming taunting. 

Tony stood there for many moments, trying to comprehend what just happened. He didn’t know what to do, and the feeling was infuriating. He should fix this. He couldn’t just _lose_ her like that. 

Too many emotions began to rise within him, just sitting there and swirling inside him. He felt like crying, but strangely couldn’t. He wanted to yell and punch something, but couldn’t find the strength to do so. He wanted to _break,_ but his stubborn heart remained oddly numb. 

The emotions were going nowhere, and Tony knew they would just ferment until they did break through, but he couldn’t help but want to shove them down. 

His hand twitched in a familiar way, and he knew what he really wanted. Walking over to one of his many cabinets, he pulled out a friendly bottle, and raised it to his lips.

The soothing liquid slid down his throat, much like how he slid to the floor, bottle still clutched in his hands. 

There was no point in keeping his promise now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... This is getting a third chapter?????? I've got a longer plot already forming in my mind, and I'm excited. Sorry for the short chapter. Ummm, oh, I also didn't edit this, so if you see any mistakes, please tell me and I'll fix them.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated. Tell me what you liked, what you didn't, or what you want for future chapters. 
> 
> I hope you guys have a fantastic day!!
> 
> Oh, and also thank you to the two new people who have subscribed to my psued! You guys are crazy and I love it! Thank you so much!
> 
> IMPORTANT: I won’t be updating as frequently for a couple of weeks because I’m about to move. I will try to finish the chapter and get it out to you as soon as possible, but we’re currently getting rushed to pack all of our things up in a really short time frame. And after that, we’ll be moving into my Nana’s house where there are three other kids (two of them toddler twins) and two other adults. I don’t know how much time I’ll have to write, but I’ll certainly be trying. Sorry about this guys. Once we get to the new house, my updating schedule should get back to normal.


	3. Chapter 3

_Ow?_ 

The one and lonely though ran through Tony’s mind as he regained consciousness. Something cool and hard was pressed up against the back of his head, feeling horribly uncomfortable. He groaned as he turned his head to the side, feeling the chilling surface press against his cheek. He groaned, feeling the pain in his head and the horrible twisting in his stomach. Peeling his eyes open, he was met with an image that took a moment to process. Were those wheels? 

“Dum-E?” He rasped, the words painful as they grated past his sore throat.

A metal claw quickly lowered itself into view, startling the man out of his morning haze. Tony lurched violently, and as he sat up, his head hit something unmistakably solid. 

“ _Shit_ _!_ What the-?” He looked up to see the underside of a table, oily fingerprints and all. Slumping back to the ground, he rested his weight on one of his forearms as he pulled a hand over his face. He felt like crap, for his head wouldn’t stop throbbing, which limited his thinking abilities. He closed his eyes against his hand, sighing heavily as his most recent memories came to him. Drunken fits and emptied bottles filled his mind, though Pepper’s disappointed face cut through it all, boring into the back of his eyelids. He wouldn’t be forgetting that anytime soon. 

His head painfully throbbed again, and Tony decided that getting some painkillers would be the next best course of action. He hated taking them, as he did with any medication in general, but if he was going to function at all, he was going to need Ibuprofen or something.

Groaning, he moved onto his side and began to crawl out from underneath the table, shooing Dum-E out of the way. Careful not to hit his back on the edge of the table, he stood, blinking at the scene around him.

The workshop was a complete disaster. Scraps were strewn about in the most random of places. Many chairs had been knocked over and and loose bits that had been on table tops were now on the floor many feet away. Turning his head slightly, Tony winced at the sight of a deconstructed suit against the wall. And littered throughout the entire mess, bottles and glasses of alcohol stood, almost glaring at the man.

_Good fucking job at keeping your emotions under control._

_Fucking weak._  

Sighing again, he averted his eyes from the armor and tried to remember with his unhelpful brain where the hell he kept the meds. The floor swayed beneath him as he stumbled across it towards the cabinets that held his beloved painkillers. Rummaging through the mess of clutter on the shelf, he finally retrieved the bottle and leaned against a table as he unscrewed the cap. He shook a couple out (he couldn’t goddamn remember how many he was supposed to take and his definitely not up to the challenge of reading the stupidly small print on the label) and looked around for something to wash them down with. He finally found some coffee after carefully avoiding the multitude it glasses and bottles of alcohol, many of which were either half or completely empty.

“Hey, Jar? How bad did it get this morning?” The fact that he passed out under the table irked him. He wasn’t _that_ weak , was he?

“0.23 percent, _yesterday_ morning.” His words were clipped and robotic. Great. His own fucking creation was disappointed in him.  

“Fuck. What time is it” That number was a bit too high for his liking. He should’ve known better then to let his alcohol level get that out of control. And now because of his recklessness he had lost who knows how many precious hours. 

“Two in the afternoon. And, Steve Rogers has been trying to contact you since last night. He even attempted to get into the workshop several times” Tony’s head snapped up at that, pausing in his search for a drink that didn’t burn on the way down. He immediately regretted the action however, for his mind screamed in protest and throbbed painfully. He blinked hard, trying to fight back the waves of pain so he could focus on the new development. 

“Did he see anything? Did you black out the glass?” His mind was reeling now, what if Steve had seen? Who knows what Tony had been doing that morning.

 “No. You did not instruct me to.” 

Tony stared at the ceiling in shock. The pain meds lay forgotten in his hand, his mind left blank as it tried to wrap around the fact that something like this could happen. “The fuck Jarvis? You’ve done it without asking before! You know- he could’ve- he-!“

His bewildered ranting and questioning was cut short by a sad and disappointed voice, “You need help, Sir.”

“Excuse me?” The words were snarled out as the man glared angrily upwards. “How dare- It is not your place to decide whether or not I need help! You don’t get to do that!” 

“I was only trying to help. Steve Rogers is also requesting your presence in the communal floor aga-“

“Mute! I swear to fucking god, if you say one more thing I will reuse your fucking code to make a Cool Math game! I’m fine and I don’t need your goddamn opinions!” He was yelling now, his shaking hand tangled in his hair. Fear and panic coursed through his veins as the pills dropped from his limp hand. 

_Weak_

_You let him see_

_Everyone knows how useless you are_

_They’ll kick you off the team_

_You were never on it_

_Useless_

_Pepper was right_

“SHUT UP!” He roared. It wasn’t uncommon for the intrusive voices to be louder and stronger when he has a hangover, but, it was different this time though. 

This time, they were _right_.  

“Please just shut up. All of you just stop.  _Please_ .”

Tony was breaking and he knew it, for both Pepper’s and Jarvis’s disappointment overtook and blinded him. This time, however, not with sadness or guilt, but an overwhelming sense of anger. He was angry at Jarvis for thinking that he, just an A.I., had the authority to try and control his life. He was angry at Pepper for listening to Steve, and even angrier at the Captain for calling her. Tony was angry at himself for being so goddamn _weak_ that he screwed up everything.

Acting on pure rage, he grabbed a random object off of one of the tables and threw it at the glass wall on the opposite side of the room. It happened to be the open bottle of painkillers, and the pills spilled everywhere upon impact. 

In the reflective glass, he saw himself standing there, eyes wild. His chest heaved with every frantic breath, pushing them out between parted and dry lips. His hair was a mess, sticking up in all directions, and his clothes were even worse. In the reflection, he saw the mess around him, bottles and all, but that’s not what bothered him. 

It was what he saw beyond and through his reflection that made him fill with downright fear and shock. 

Standing on the other side of the glass was a very worried and almost scared looking Steve. His eyes grew hard when he saw that Tony was looking back at him, and he spoke clearly enough that Tony could read his lips before turning away. 

_Upstairs_. _Now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY!!!
> 
> I have a long list of very real excuses on why I haven’t posted for so long but I’m not going to make you suffer through my complaining. 
> 
> Sorry also for the filler chapter. This was going to hit a major plot point and be at least 2,000 words long, but I felt bad and posted it early. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. Thank you sooo much for almost 1,000 hits and 91 kudos!!! That’s crazy to me. 
> 
> Love you guys and I hope you have a fantastic day!


	4. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t skip.

Hey guys. I have some bad news.

 

Now before you start making that face, I’m not abandoning this. It’s just going to be on hiatus for a bit because some stuff happened. I really want to finish this story, and one day I will. 

Its just, we’re having complications with the move because my dad fucking screwed everything up and now the closing date’s being pushed back because he’s such an idiot and, yeah. 

My mom was supposed to be on a plane to go sign papers today, but now she’s not because of  _him._

So yeah, sorry for the false update. I just wanted to make sure that I told you so you weren’t sitting there wondering,  _‘What the hell happened?’_

So yeah, thanks for reading, I will be back. And I am so freaking sorry. I hate to do this to you guys and you guys have left so many nice comments, but I just can’t write right now. 

I hope you guys have a good day. <3


	5. Chapter 5

Tony’s shoes softly tapped against the hard floor as he confidently walked out of the elevator. His invisible iron mask was firmly in place, refusing to let the Captain see any more of the side he usually so carefully hid. Thumping heavily into an armchair, he hid a wince as his body jostled uncomfortably. Hangovers did a real number on a person. Resting his feet on the coffee table, he looked expectantly at Rogers, prompting him to start.

The other man visibly hesitated for a moment, obviously surprised at how normal Tony looked when he had just seen him wild, sweaty, angry, and tear-stricken. Well, Tony did know how to wield a make-up brush. He had been doing it since he was kid.

“You showed up.” The way the man said it as a statement, but it was hiding a question and surprised underneath.

Tony just scoffed, “Well I’m no coward.” His voice didn’t shake or waver. His body wasn’t weak. He knew he would be berated, yet the subtle, hidden ‘ _I’m disappointed in you_ ’s were really grating against him.”

“Says the man who’s been hiding.” His face was steely, and it was quite obvious that the good captain was utterly pissed. Tony really did not like being on the receiving end of his glares.

“I haven’t been hiding, I’ve been...contemplating.” Well, that was weak.

Apparently that was also the wrong thing to say, because the steel mask over Rogers’ face cracked a little, allowing a bit of that pure anger to shine through. “Contemplating what exactly? What type of drink to waste away on next?”

Tony was honestly taken aback at Rogers’ harshness, “Actually I was trying to figure out how to fix my relationship with Pepper, after you went and stuck your nose in my business-“

“I didn’t stick my nose anywhere! You, Tony, we’re passed out on the living room floor looking like you were dead! You are a part of this team and that means your wellbeing is my business! I don’t care if you think I did started this or not, because this is your fault. I don’t know what Pepper told you, but it’s obvious you’ve upset her. You’re unhinged, Tony, and-“

“I’m not unhinged.” Tony’s voice came out small, and he was finding it hard to argue back. Everything Cap was saying was true, anyway.

“ _Not unhinged_?” The words were spoken as a growl, and Tony took pulled his feet up onto the armchair with him, “What the hell do you call getting completely drunk, passing out, yelling at Jarvis, talking to yourself, and then throwing stuff at windows? You are not mentally stable, Stark, and you have proved that time and time-“

“It’s called fucking coping! After having Pepper yell at me-“

“Oh god, you can’t even take a bit of well deserved yelling-“

“I didn’t deserve it! I wasn’t even drinking!”

“The hell, Stark? I _just_ saw you drinking glass after glass-“

“No! I mean the other night! Before you found me. I hadn’t been drinking!”

“What the _hell_ are you talking about Stark?”

“I didn’t pass out because of alcohol, I hadn’t touched any! I passed out because Natasha poured a bucket of water on my head and I had a _fucking_ panic attack!”

It was silent. The only sounds were Stark’s berated breaths. He looked away quickly, not wanting to see Steve’s face. He could still feel the stare on his skin though.

“What the _fuck_?” Steve hissed out the words, his anger barely contained, “How _dare_ you! How dare you fucking try and blame this on someone else! Are you _that_ ashamed that you can’t even take responsibility for getting drunk?”

Tony was silent as he listened. He should have known this would have happened. It was obvious. Why was he so stupid?

“You’re fucking worse than I thought. Are you _trying_ to tear this team apart? Are you trying to pit me against Natasha? You had done fun with the cold water challenge or whatever the fuck it is, but you had to go an make yourself the victim.” Steve stood up, looking very menacing as he towered over Tony, “You know what? You don’t even deserve your fucking name. You are a sorry son of the great man that was Howard Stark-“

Looking back, Tony doesn’t remember moving. All he remembers is the pure anger he felt and suddenly he was out of the chair, launching himself at the Captain. He never collided however, for Steve had pushed him away and tackled him, pinning him on the floor.

Breathing heavily, Tony looked up fearfully at the glowering Captain, who looked equally surprised as he was angry.

Finally, he spoke.

“You’re done. The Avengers do not need a man like _you_ on the team.”

And he was out of the room, and Tony was left on the floor.

—-

20 minutes later. It could have been two seconds for all it mattered.

20 minutes later, he was still a fucking failure who got kicked off the team.

“Where the _hell_ are they?” He muttered under his breath as he hastily shoved things aside in his many cupboards.

“Sir, may I ask what you are looking for? I may be able to assist.” Jarvis’s voice rang out softly above him, momentarily startling Tony.

“I thought I muted you.” He muttered angrily as he tossed aside another bottle, Advil wasn’t going to do anything. Wasn’t strong enough.

“Sir, you seem distressed.”

“Fuck off Jarvis.” He growled.

“Sir-“

“Where’s the Xanax Jarvis?”

“Sir? Are you trying to find it for your anxiety? Because other methods may be more-“

“ _Where’s the fucking Xanax?_ ”

There was a moments pause and then, “In the drawer in the desk by the  corner.”

There was suddenly a bottle in his hand. Fumbling with the child proof cap, he reached for another bottle.

This one glass.

“ _Sir_ -“

“Mute Jarvis.”

Tony opened mouth and poured a good majority of the pills in.

Then the alcohol.

And then he wasn’t quite there anymore.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Strong, shaky fingers tapped against the cool glass. Steve raised it to his lips and took a long drink of the cold water inside. He was still reeling after his argument with Stark. It was extremely hard to piss off the good captain, but Stark always went above and beyond didn’t he? He always had to be the loudest man in the room, the most egotistical, and at the end of the day it was never his fault. It made Steve’s blood boil at how he could so easily brush the blame on others. Sure, it came in handy when the sharks that are reporters try to pin every little problem on the Avengers. Stark handled them with ease, and usually turned it around so that they, no  _ he,  _ was the hero. 

But this? Shoving the horrendous blame onto Natasha. How dare he? Stark had the  _ nerve _ to get drunk, go off the hinge, attack him, and then say it was all Nat’s fault. Steve could only be glad that she wasn’t here. She may try to hide it, pretty damn well too, but he could see that she was harboring a lot of hidden emotions. Steve could only guess that it was from her life before Shield, before the Avengers. It was good that she was on a mission and not here to be Stark’s scapegoat. 

And then after trying to manipulate the situation so he was the helpless broken man like he always did, he had the gall to  _ attack _ Steve. Granted he didn’t get very far with the act since the supersoldier had been on guard the moment Tony stepped off the elevator, waiting for the attack to come. He knew the man was somewhat violent, he wasn’t exactly one to pull punches, but seeing him throw the pills, seeing that pure  _ wild  _ look in his eyes...Steve knew he had to be wary. 

And yeah, he can admit that mentioning the man’s father had definitely been a low blow. He knew from experience that it was a topic to be avoided when the billionaire was in the room. He had felt the man tense up beside him at conferences when the sharks lashed out with mentions of the great Howard Stark. He had seen the sunken eyes, tear stained cheeks, and empty eyes when that day came, the anniversary of the deaths. He had witnessed the man grabbing his coffee and running to his lab to hide when the dreaded day arrived. 

So yes, such a harsh comparison between the playboy and his father was unneeded and didn’t help the situation at all. But  _ goddamn,  _ that man knew how to aggravate him so much that all that Steve wanted to do was to shut him up, and the words slipped out without asking permission first. The enhanced man regretted them as soon as he said them, as soon as he looked down and saw something in Stark snap. Maybe it broke a long time ago, but Rogers had just brought that pain out again. Fresh, raw, and vulnerable. Steve had held his arms up as he saw the man lash out in pure rage. He pushed him down and held him as he resisted. The smaller man shook and thrashed weakly under the strong body. 

Steve remembered looking down, shocked and angry, and only seeing a wild animal. Stark’s oily and sweaty hair had fallen over his eyes. His lips were bleeding lightly from some previous dryness, most likely alcohol, but they were now slick and shiny with spit. A fleshy pink tongue had darted out and wet them again. From where Steve had pinned the man, he could feel the frantic rising and falling of his chest. Somewhere amongst the tackle, Stark had raised his hand and covered the faint blue light that shone from underneath his shirt. After his quick examination, Steve looked into the wide eyes of this frightened thing and only saw two things, fear and anger. These two emotions together could force the strongest of men to madness, and by the looks of it, they had succeeded with this one. Stark was shattered, and his newfound sharp and jagged edges were poised, ready to kill. Stark had changed, or maybe he had always been this way, but this was not the man that the world needed to protect it. 

So Steve cut him off. It was the only logical thing to do. Iron Man was a valuable asset to the Avengers, but not necessary. War Machine could do the same feats that Stark boasted. Iron Man could be replaced, and honestly, Tony Stark was always meant to be replaced too. 

It was logical, but  _ goddamn  _ did it hurt. He had to leave before he changed his mind. He had stepped into a side hallway and released a shaky breath when he saw Stark scramble into the elevator. It hurt even more because all this time, Steve had been rooting for him. 

The supersoldier had always been very good at reading emotions and when he had met Stark, he saw the broken shards behind the mask. He was damaged, but not unfixable. Steve knew that the genius could get his life together. And it seemed like he was. There was so much improvement, and he believes that Pepper gets most of the credit for that. His smiles were more genuine, and he was becoming more of a team player. He had not seen a drink in his hand for  a long time, and the ever present shadow under his eyes seemed to have lightened. It was evident that there was still a lot of work, especially after the battle, but it was getting better. And Steve couldn’t have been prouder. 

That’s why when he found the man passed out in a puddle of his own sick, he didn’t hesitate to call Pepper. He wanted to help. It was his job to keep this bloody team together, and he wasn’t about to let this man mess it up. 

Steve ran a shaky hand down his face. Was it all a ruse? Had Stark been duping everyone this entire time, earning their trust and friendship only to rip it out from under them? Was he really just some manipulative bastard that was oh so quick to lie and deceive to be the victim?

Steve could read emotions well, and all he got was pure and uncontrolled madness from Stark today. Somebody had broken this man, and he was pretty sure it wasn’t a bucket of water. He didn’t doubt that there could be some controlled craziness that Stark used for manipulation. 

He felt almost...betrayed? When he had told the man to come up for a talk, he had kind of been hoping for a kind of heart to heart that ended with a nice pretty solution. He didn’t want the mess that had come out of today. He didn’t want the team minus one. 

Steve sighed, it was necessary though. There was no way that the ~~man~~ frightened animal he saw today was a hero. He belonged in a psych ward. 

He glanced up at the clock and saw that twenty minutes had passed since the mess of an argument. That was more than enough time to calm down.

Or become even more riled up. 

Steve internally debated whether or not to go check on the man as he tapped on the glass. Going down there may spark another argument, another fight. And right now, that was the last thing Steve wanted. Who knows how hurt someone could get if Stark lashed out again. 

Then again the man could be getting drunk again at the very moment. Steve had pushed him today, and whenever the going gets tough. Stark turns to alcohol.

_ He could be dead from alcohol poisoning _ , Steve’s mind was made up as soon as the horrible thought entered his head. 

Drinking the rest of the now warm water in a few quick gulps, he stood, bracing himself for what was about to come. He didn’t know what was going to happen, but he needed to check on the unhinged man. It didn’t matter how mad Steve was, he wasn’t going to let his te-  _ ex _ -team member waste away in his bunker. No matter how tempting it was to just let the man fucking be. 

He stepped into the elevator and asked Jarvis to take him to Tony. He felt the elevator begin to move, but received no response from the AI. Maybe he was mad at him for arguing with his creator. He didn’t take the program as one to hold grudges, but the thought of it made Steve sad. Out of all of the new things in this century, he had taken a large liking to Jarvis. 

The elevator doors slid open and the large man walked slowly to the glass door separating him from the workshop and peered warily inside. It was still a mess from earlier with papers and bottles strewn across the room around overturned chairs. But through it all, he could not see the mess of a man that was Stark. 

Somewhat confused and frustrated, the supersoldier moved away from the door and went to a farther part of the glass wall to get a new angle. He couldn’t help but feel like a little kid at a zoo, looking for the big scary tiger. 

In his new position he was able to see a new side of the large room. It was somehow more domestic with a small couch that had been worn down with wear. On top there was a pillow and a soft blanket obviously meant for naps and nights when the inventor was too tired to go up to his room. There was also a small kitchen with a blender and empty smoothie cups littered around the counter. There were also some open pill bottles, and Steve wondered what all was wrong with the genius’s mind. He also wondered if he had situated the lab like this on purpose, so one just standing at the door wouldn’t be able to see the homier side of the billionaire. 

Steve’s drifted back over the couch and the mound of clothes, or maybe blankets, in front of it. All the air left his lungs as Steve realized that the mound was very person shaped. 

The supersoldier pressed his face to the glass as he began to panic. There, a hand out of the cloth. A smushed face against the hard floor. 

“Jarvis! Can you let me in? Please!” There was still silence, but the door swung open in response almost eagerly.

Steve scrambled to the now open door, pushing against the frame as he sprinted to the unconscious man. There was a small voice in the back of his head that warned him this may be another trick, another manipulation in the name of victimization. He quickly silenced it.

The large man slid to his knees before Stark and was shocked at the sight. The man below him was pale and lifeless, his eyes lidded as if the body didn’t have enough juice to keep them either open or closed. Ripping away the blanket that he was clutching onto, he saw that he had curled into himself around a bottle of alcohol.

What else could he have expected? He should have known. 

Brushing his hands lightly against the inventor’s face, he pushed his shoulder lightly to assess the damage, but something clattered out of Stark’s hands. Forcing himself to look away from Stark’s sunken face, he stared at the object on the floor. His mind seemed to freeze because it took him a second to recognize it. To realize what the bright orange plastic and the white cap meant. To see the pills scattered around it. 

_ The alcohol...the pills… _

Steve swears he felt his heart stop.

He was frantic as he pressed his now shaky hands against the inventor’s neck, desperately trying to find a pulse. 

After jamming his fingers onto the skin and rooting around, he was able to feel the slightest of beats. It was so  _ faint.   _

“ _ Tony!”  _ The word came out like a cry, shrill and scared. Steve shoved his arms under Tony’s thin body and easily carried him. He may be a supersoldier, but it was scary how easily it was to lift the genius up. Steve let out another cry as he saw that the jostling had caused the faint blue light to flicker. 

Climbing to his feet with the inventor in his arms, SteVe began to stagger out of the room, not quite knowing where he was going, but crying out for help, crying out for his genius.

Steve cried out for Tony.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Not dead. Sorry for the long wait. There really is no excuse except that I'm a huge piece of shit. Thought a chapter from Steve's point of view was needed. I hope you guys are okay. Love ya! <3
> 
> (P.S. As I've said before, this will never be abandoned, it just might four months for me to update. Also: YAy! We got over 3000 hits. Love ya 3000!)


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